when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
