I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
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