you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
