Please, let me fuck your mom
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
