I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
