how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
