its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
