you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
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