You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
