I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
