Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
