Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
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I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
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you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Randomize