Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
