You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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