i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Dick very happy bro
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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