pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
