Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
