I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
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And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
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Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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