He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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