I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
