I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Randomize
