the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
