we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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