got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
