How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
