You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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