dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
