1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
