In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
