Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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