If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
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