How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
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