WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
