He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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