Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I can feel your judgement through the phone
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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