I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
