I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
