i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
