i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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