That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
