i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
