I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
