I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
