We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
