oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
