I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
