I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
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