i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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