I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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