I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
