Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
