Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
