I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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