Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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