your parents love me but you hate me
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
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