I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
